Sinning ... and Florence

'But I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in ...'

Florence and The Machine, 'Never Let Me Go', 2011

I don't think this band is Christian but they definitely have some songs that get me thinking that way. This line stood out from one of the songs on their brilliant new album. How much does it sound like our daily grind?!

"I’m coming home, I’m coming home

Tell the World I’m coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes

I’m coming home, I’m coming home

Tell the World that I’m coming..."

P. Diddy, 'Coming Home', 2010

This week I went on a road trip between Adelaide and Melbourne, courtesy of the new job. The first town I stayed in reminded me immensely of where I grew up. The town had about 3000 people. There was one supermarket and one Chinese restaurant. There were two pubs, and one was much better than the other. Even the people whose B&B was my resting place reminded me of my parents.

The instant connection I felt with this town made me consider how we connect with spiritual homes, on earth (like that connection you feel when you discover someone is a Christian) but more importantly in heaven. 'Home is where the heart is', they say. That familiar feeling of home is so prevalent as a member of God's family and it is a great blessing.

Another car blog ...

Just imagine I put the lyrics to 'Drive My Car' by the Beatles here. As straightforward as those lyrics are, today I think it'd be fun to not bother.

God likes to show me things in the car, as you have seen from my previous blog entries. Maybe he's making up for lost time - I was a bit of a late learner. The latest example occurred last night.

It was raining and the person in the lane next to me must have been struggling with visibility. I know the road well and was keen to get past them, even though it was raining and I have had accidents in the rain before ... I was thinking my newer better car might serve me better in a tricky situation than the last one. When the person in the neighbouring lane started drifting significantly into my lane, I beeped them impatiently and sped past them when they moved.

About a kilometre down the road, still driving impatiently home and my struggling friend now trailing me, a possum ran out on the road. I couldn't slow down quick enough. He was still lying on the road when I looked back in my rear vision mirror. I think I created some road kill last night.

I'm glad that God continues to persevere with teaching me patience on the road, and I pray I heed the lesson quickly.

No songs or even a title this time. I just wanted to express how frustrated with myself I am at the moment. John Piper was in Sydney a few weeks ago and gave a stirring talk on how we waste our time. Even since that night all I have done is waste my time.

Charms ... and reminders

"I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need hey hey

Well I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need hey hey

And I said I need a dollar dollar, a dollar is what I need

And if I share with you my story would you share your dollar with me .."

Aloe Blacc, 'I Need A Dollar', 2011

I was given a Pandora bracelet as a present this year, with three charms on it - one was a house, another was a car, and the last one was a money bag. These charms are supposed to represent the story or 'achievements' of this year in my life. Needless to say, I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable about wearing my materialism so blatantly on my wrist. So I've decided (rather than to stop wearing the bracelet altogether) that I need to start looking at the charms in a different way. God continues to provide and bless me with the things that are shown as charms on that bracelet. If I was to actually find a charm for everything in my life that is attributable to God on that bracelet - husbands, family, Jesus, the Bible, life itself! - I think my arm would snap off from the weight. But, if it is God's will, I'll keep adding these reminder charms to my bracelet.

Secrets ... mine and others

"Do you want to know a secret?

Do you promise not to tell?"

The Beatles, 'Do You Want To Know A Secret?', 1963

Keeping secrets eat me up inside, and always has. I'm not known for keeping secrets - I can't even usually stop myself telling people I bought them a present and what it was. There are 3 significant secrets I remember keeping - one was when we threw a surprise party for my parents when they turned 50, one was when we threw a surprise welcome home party for my sister, and the last one happened just recently.

I have resigned from my job to persue another opportunity, which feels like a big (welcome!) change as I've been with my present company for 5 years. My boss asked me to keep it under wraps for a few days until her boss was available, and so I did - struggling of course. When the day finally came to announce the news, it was well and truly overshadowed by the resignation of two much more senior people in the company. I did feel somewhat ripped off, but when I understood the gravity of their secret - they could not say anything about their resignation until it was formally announced on the stock exchange for goodness sake - I realised how minor my complaint was. And when I considered it in light of the gradual revelation (mystery/'secret') of God's will it's pretty meaningless! So glad I could put it in context like that and get over it.

"No matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgendered life

I'm on the right track baby

I was born to survive ..."

Lady Gaga, 'Born This Way', 2011

I went to a conference today on building Christian knowledge and responses on homosexuality (in a nutshell). Just a quick observation - I didn't realise how much it would reveal about my own sins.

Insurance

'Baby you're a rich man,

Baby you're a rich man,

Baby you're a rich man too.

You keep all your money in a big brown bag inside a zoo.

What a thing to do.'

The Beatles, 'Baby You're a Rich Man', 1967

Jason and I have just moved, a laborious and frustrating process which is the key reason why I haven't written a blog entry in some time. Unfortunately it feels like when you have something like moving to occupy your time it takes over everything else, and I have not been making much time for my God. I hope that is just temporary.

I did make some observations during the moving process though, one in particular regarding insurance. We have purchased a new car this year, and the insurance was quite steep on this car at our previous rental property. However, we made a great saving on this insurance when we moved, a combination of the quality of the suburb we moved to and the security of the building. Faith in Jesus is like insurance. The cost can be steep (or at least feel steep) at times, lower at others, but it is ultimately worth it - and trust in the insurer is well put.

'You made me hard, you made me cold

I was simple, but now I know ...'

The Whitlams, 'Made Me Hard', 1999

You may remember I wrote a blog entry earlier in the year about the word ‘perspective’, its definition and how I was sick of hearing it at work (it’s still a struggle, as unfortunately its popularity hasn’t faded – but at least whenever I find myself going to use it I think of a synonym instead so I don’t get annoyed at myself). Well, now I’ve got a few other words on my mind, for slightly different reasons though.

I’ve identified recently that I say the words tricky, hard and difficult a lot, especially when I’m trying to find a nice way to tell someone that what they want from me is not really high on my priority list. Once I realised my habit, I was keen to break it and work harder on accepting the priorities of others; I even told a colleague to keep me in check (who kindly and promptly told me I was probably exaggerating).

It didn’t work. Now I just feel guilty whenever I hear myself say those words, and prick up my ears when I hear others say those words (wondering if they have an ulterior motive like me). For some people I have become more intolerant of their priorities and yet I haven’t found a reasonable way of telling them so.

I’m deciding for the moment to not focus on the fact that this isn’t really a godly practice (or even that professional), to consider how often these words form a reaction to Christianity. How can I expect people to investigate the claims of Jesus and continue in the faith when I give them the response I do to something far easier to comprehend and take action on?

Thankfully the Holy Spirit is more reliable than me.

"... Time takes time you know ..."

Ben Folds, 'Time', 2005

I have a subscription to TIME magazine, which shows up in the mailbox every Monday. Unfortunately the only time I really get to read it these days is in a plane, like the one I’m in right now. I have many back issues that are still sitting in their plastic covers.

Two stories this week have caught my attention:

- Co-operation between Muslims and Christians in Egypt post its recent political uprising. Whilst in principle forming such relationships is a good thing, to win some for Christ, I’m not sure what I think of some of their joint endeavours. For example, protecting each other as they pray, helping each other re-build places of worship that were destroyed, guarding couples where one is Christian and the other Muslim. Am I just being too judgemental? What is God’s will and plan in this situation?
- The science of optimism. I haven’t read this story yet, but it’s the cover story and the reason why I picked this issue of the magazine to bring along on my trip instead of others. It fascinates me that the world keeps trying to uncover answers to questions that find their ‘Yes’ in Christ. Tell me if this is too out there or the wrong train of thought, but God engineered us with optimism to sustain our hope and faith until his plans come to fruition. There is empirical evidence for almost anything if we put our minds to it, but without the gospel what does it mean?

This kind of thinking is exactly why I subscribed in the first place, so I can know what is happening in this world and find ways to discuss these current affairs as a Christian. I just need to make sure I keep reading.

"It's business, It's business time ,

You know when I'm down to my socks it's time for business,

That's why they're called business socks ..."

Flight of the Conchords, 'Business Time', 2007

A lot of the travel I do for work is to attend, or perform, audits of our facilities (or our suppliers), to make sure they are complying with regulatory and customer requirements. I’m writing this on a flight from Darwin to Sydney, back from one such audit which wasn’t completely disastrous but probably didn’t go as well as we anticipated or wanted – the site will most likely be graded ‘B’ as opposed to ‘A’. I’m hoping this isn’t a direct reflection of my current engagement to the company I work for or the role I perform, and I was sure to let the guys at the site know that I didn’t think the result was so bad and that there was nothing wrong with the change in status.


I can understand the disappointment though. Wherever we can be graded we want to get the best grade we can – it’s like being back at school again. We all want to be A grade at everything, at work or with our family and friends or even as Christians. If we don’t think we’re up to scratch we often stop trying altogether. I’m so glad that regardless of how our hearts trick us into feeling this way, that God’s kingdom doesn’t operate this way. It has been a hard lesson I have learnt in my short Christian life and continue to learn as I work out how it looks each and every day. Why is there always so much to learn as a Christian ...

Ben Folds ... the idol

"You know there's something in the Bible about forgiveness and love

And more importantly 'bout not throwing stones and what your house is made of ..."

Ben Folds, 'Brainwashed', 2008

I’m not sure how many people actually read this blog. I have a feeling that no-one does, and that I’m writing this for my amusement only. However, if I’m wrong, then whoever is reading this will have worked out by now that I really like Ben Folds. I have been a fan since my teenage years. It seems that whatever I want to write about has a Ben Folds song that speaks directly about it ... or sometimes I hear a song of his and it makes me think, and then I write in my blog. The fact that he is also an incredible musician, pounding that piano like his life depended on it, is just as satisfying.

I have seen Ben Folds in concert three times now, the last time being just a week ago. I took the whole day off work just to revel in the excitement an event like this brings, and he delivered. I screamed lots, sung along to every song (which included some wicked chair dancing), participated wholeheartedly when requested. Some people might say I momentarily served at the altar of this idol/hero with my money and time and adoration; I don’t want to look at it that way. And yet, I can’t help wondering ... there are several things that make Ben Folds who he is that I don’t want to emulate, like the proficient swearing (which you will remember I am trying, valiantly, to stop) and what seems like an inability to value the institution of marriage (he has had four wives now). But then you could say the same about Reel Big Fish, or Cat Stevens, or the Beatles, or any other human who sings awesome music and has flaws or an convoluted personal history. How far should we go as Christians to immerse ourselves in its culture whilst we are here on earth? Does enjoying one of God’s good creations, music, have anything to do with not glorifying Him with our entire being?

Maybe I’m finally turning into one of those people I always thought I wasn’t – someone who thought too much about anything.

Lyrics ... with no topic

"Who are you to tell me how to live my life (my life)

Cause I won't give this up,

These are my shoes, my view, my cue,

To say I do give a f&*k"

Bliss n Eso, 'Addicted', 2010


"Oh Jesus Christ, what name do you go by now,

For the time is passing with the wind blows new decrees

Canned for life your used by date is faded

And followers of you now watch TV"

Powderfinger, 'JC', 1996


Endemic of our society/culture today? I think so.

Heroes of the faith ... now and then

"It's just enough to be strong

In the broken places, in the broken places

It's just enough to be strong

Should the world rely on faith tonight"

Jars of Clay, 'Faith Enough', 2003

We just finished a series at CITV called 'Heroes of The Faith', from Hebrews 11. I have previously heard part of this series at a weekend away in 2010, and it resonated with me then also, so much so that I had already drafted most of another blog entry where it was mentioned. Today though, I thought I might reflect briefly, through my notes (because it has become exceedingly important to maintain notes - God put it on my heart to do this last year and I can really see the blessing now!), on how I saw its message and application between the two occasions:

- The idea of the heart being an 'idol factory' stood out to me originally in the sermon on Abraham sacrificing Isaac (Isaac being a kind of idol to Abraham). I remember clearly thinking that work was my Isaac and that I had to run away from it. This time around, the idea of understanding God's tests, and that we need to see that tests have arrived when obeying God feels foolish or that it will not bring blessing, was more obvious. I have maintained the same job. God seems to have granted me some abilities to not see work as something worth idolising or being a slave to, but a test for my own good where I can truly demonstrate my allegiance. I also remember feeling this time that consumerism may now be more an idol to me, something I have expressed elsewhere recently in this blog.

- Originally I missed both the sermon on Noah and the closing sermon, but I heard the whole series this time. It was really concise yet thorough on what faith is, how that faith can last, and how we can also be a hero of the faith ('a faith that doesn't need success is the ultimate success'). In 2o10 I have noted that faith is a choice and that its sincerity is rewarded, but I may not have grasped the simple fact that it is reasonable and starts from our thoughts.

On a side note, several of the slides in this series were titled 'We Can Be Heroes', which reminded me of the Chris Lilley series of the same title. It was called a mockumentary because that was exactly its purpose - it was mocking us and what we deem heroic/significant in the lives of ourselves and others - and it was pretty funny! But should we really be laughing when as sinners it's not really so far fetched??

My sincere thanks go out to the minister whom God directed to so carefully put together this series so it can be used for my instruction, both as it has been and as it will continue.

Random acts of kindness

"Black fingernails, red wine,

I want to make you all mine ..."

Eskimo Joe, 'Black Fingernails, Red Wine', 2006

So I went for a walk yesterday (hence the song - try doing some exercise to it sometime, it's perfect!), thinking once again about what I could write next in my blog, and it started raining. This brought back a memory from university when my boyfriend (now husband) and I were walking back to my flat when suddenly there was a storm above us. We ran to a service station, where this guy getting petrol - a total stranger - saw us dripping wet and asked if he could give us a lift home. We jumped in his car whilst he paid - he had a $20 note just sitting there, and he obviously trusted us not to do anything with it. I don't remember too much else about the trip, other than he drove us home and we weren't so wet anymore.

I wonder if this guy was a Christian? Or was this just a moment of kindness or morality in a normal life? In some respects I don't mind, I'd just like to imitate his behaviour - but I really hope he has been saved too.

An epiphany ... and netball

"The b&%$h went nuts,

She stabbed my basketball, and the speakers to my stereo,

She called me c ..."

Ben Folds, 'B^%#h Went Nuts', 2008

I had an epiphany this weekend whilst playing netball, which I believe will help me with one of my New Years Resolutions - but, most importantly, will help me overcome a sin I struggle to repent of.

I have a problem with swearing ... mainly that I can't stop doing it. Some swear words are just really good descriptive words. I think I have been swearing since I was in primary school. Writing them is another story (as the lyrics above demonstrate), but I never seem to have a problem enounciating them. Many people have tried to help me stop (my boss never swears, she says 'Pluck a duck' instead, which I admit I use from time to time...) with minimal success until now.

I seem to play netball at the moment with a few of the more rowdy players that I have met over the lifetime I have played. On Saturday, one of our girls got upset that her opponent had given her a knock and she gave him a mouthful. She got a warning as a result and the game suddenly turned uncomfortable. Whilst I felt sorry for her situation and annoyed at her opponent, her outburst caught me off guard and I felt that I wanted to distance myself from it. Then, all of a sudden, I found myself thinking of what other people must think when I speak like that ... and I was horrified.

Problem solved? I'm at least on my way. I'm thankful to God for the unique ways he presents to move past hurdles like these and in so doing brings us closer to him.

Fear ... and the dark

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly

Into the light of the dark black night ..."

'Blackbird', The Beatles, 1968

Yay - a chance to use a Beatles song as an opener. The music may be a little bit more upbeat than what I was hoping to write about though.

My niece is still scared of the dark although she is seven. It may be partly my fault, as I felt compelled to tell her about werewolves when she was four and there was a full moon in the sky. My husband and I babysat her this weekend just gone, and she simply couldn't sleep by herself in her own bed, a habit her parents have allowed her to develop for some time now. Yet I think I have learnt something about my own fear of the dark recently too. Ironically, one occasion where this stood out was when we were playing a game with Lilly while we were babysitting her, which was essentially Hide and Seek in the dark. Another was when my work travels found me in a hotel room with a mouse and I was terrified that if I turned the lights out the mouse would have free rein. Obviously I too can still fear the dark like a child. But mostly the idea has stood out from our recent explorations through the gospel at church. We are to run toward the light and away from the dark, and we are to be light in the world. I feel that one way God is leading me on this particular journey right now is in my recognition that it's people that really matter, that it's really important to always give people the time of day and not feel that you can't afford to do that. God can use every one of these encounters for good.

Whilst we are called to avoid the darkness and what it embodies, we are also told that 'the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom', one of my favourite Bible quotes to regurgitate and ponder over. I remember having to discuss fear in a high school debate once and having to talk off the top of my head when my notes ran out to make up the time. We are told essentially to fear darkness, to fear God, but not to fear or worry about tomorrow. Yet we all fear different things. Fear can drive us or debilitate us. It actually causes a physiological 'fight or flight' response in us. The idea of fear is fascinating, and I must admit I'm glad God gave us such a quirk.

Replacements

"Living in a material world

And I am a material girl ..."

Madonna, 'Material Girl', 1985

I have replaced several relatively big things in my life in the last few weeks ... my car, my glasses, my phone ... it's almost too much fun. It worries me that if I'm on a roll that replacing my God might not be too far away.

Losing a bet

"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,

drifting through the wind,

wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin,

like a house of cards,

one blow from caving in?"

Katy Perry, 'Firework', 2010

(P.S. I don't really like Katy Perry or most of her songs, and this isn't really related to my topic, but I have it stuck in my head and I like these lyrics at least ... plus they sung it on Glee ... is that enough excuses? Or should I just give up on the song thing?)

I lost a bet yesterday, a bet I thought I really should have won, and I actually learnt something as a result of it (don't worry, I'm not trying to talk up the value of betting).

My boss is one of my favourite people - she makes every day at work fun, and she somehow makes it so I come away from that place feeling like I understand things better - myself, the world, the business. She also challenges me to think harder than I otherwise would (I'm pretty sure I wrote in a previous post that I'm not too strong on thinking). It's been a rough week, there have been some interesting (perhaps not entirely correct?) decisions made by people higher up the chain than us, and we're feeling the negativity as a result. My boss decided to spice things up on Friday - and make the environment more neutral - by seeing who could be the first to make 15 positive comments to relative strangers that day.

I don't think I even made one. She absolutely smashed us out of the water. I found myself thinking - and saying - "Am I really a mean person?".

It's surprising how easy it is to get in your comfort zone as a Christian. As I thought about who I could compliment and how, my thoughts kept coming back to the colleagues I was closest to and the good things I had seen in them that day. These are people who differ in their opinions to Christianity - some converts, some unclear (or at least it's not clear to me), some agnostic - and God has not yet used me as a vessel to win any to Christ, despite my prayers and my efforts in relationship with them and so forth. I'm sure if it is God's will that this will be a place to bear fruit for his glory, but it's like I've already limited my scope. Surely my mission should theoretically extend to every encounter I have every day - and yet when I was put on the spot to really do this I stuttered.

The Spirit still has much work to do in me.

Listening

"I'd rather forget and not slow down

Than gather regret for the things I can't change now

If I become what I cannot accept,

Resurrect the saint from within the wretch ..."

Relient K, 'Forget and Not Slow Down', 2009

I've learnt a few things about listening in recent times (some more recent than others):

1. The methods I employ to get my husband to listen to me really don't work so well - especially when he has headphones in his ears so much of the time anyway.

2. I often try and multitask at work - I will listen to someone on the phone whilst I'm trying to read e-mails or do some other kind of work at the same time. Generally I think I'm ok at multitasking, but I can't do it in this circumstance, and I lose chunks of conversation (during this time you will hear me saying 'yes' or 'wow' or some other non descript words). I have to concentrate on the traffic outside the window or something else in order to really listen to the person on the phone.

3. I can often be engrossed in a conversation with someone, something that they will ponder for days afterwards, which I can walk away from and almost instanteous archive it in my brain until they bring it up again. Ironically, the idea for this post came from one of the few occasions where that didn't happen ....

('When was that?' - I hear you asking)

... Lately I've been having an ongoing conversation with a colleague on the day when we leave our current business and embark on a new challenge, which (dare I say it) has been a joy and an inspiration, although as you might expect I am a little hesitant to jump in. It occurred to me last Sunday though (when we looked at some principles of listening to God's word and its priority in our life from Luke) that I spend so much time listening to and involving myself in and having conversations about worldly priorities (such as those I share with my colleague), and as a result God is just off the radar. That needs to be reversed! I need to differentiate worldly and heavenly priorities in what I listen to, and beyond for that matter.

I'm really going to need help with this if the traits I've outlined above are anything to go by.

Weddings ... and tears

"... For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come

Until my day, my day is done

And say you'll come and set me free,

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me ..."

Coldplay, ' 'Til Kingdom Come ', 2005

Marty Winsen sung this song as I walked down the aisle towards Jason over five years ago. Strangely, the occasion did not make me emotional (which is unusual given the random things that can make me emotional now!), but whenever I hear it these days (eg. when walking the streets of Eastwood this week, thinking about what to write in my next blog entry) it makes me a little teary.

I have been to 3 weddings in the last 4 weeks, and I have found myself trying to hold back the tears at each one - and I can't really understand why. Maybe it's because I was honoured that the bride at each of these weddings chose me to read a passage for them; maybe it was because of my relationship to the couple - one bride even told a story about how she came to know me and my friends during the ceremony, which was read by my father who was the celebrant - or maybe it was none (or all) of the above. These people don't normally make me cry in everyday life, so why would a wedding change that?

I was hoping writing about this might help me to work it out ... but it hasn't. Guess I'm not really into the self analysis a blog can (is supposed to?) bring yet.

Resolutions ... and boasting

"I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection ..."

Stuart Townsend, 'How Deep the Father's Love for Us', 1995

My mother gave me a nice little leather notepad a few years ago, which I decided to use to write down New Year's Resolutions - so I can actually remember them and also to keep track of my 'progress'. In 2010 I achieved 3 of the 6 - 50% - that I had resolved to keep at the start of that year (I was just as succesful in 2009), and I was somewhat happy with that, so much so that I'm pretty sure I was a bit boastful about it to the friends I was holidaying with to welcome in 2011. The resolutions I made for 2011 are a little easier again (one of which was to regularly update this blog), and so I thought at the time I might have more to boast about at the end of this year.

I heard the song that I opened this blog entry with in church on the 2nd of Jan 2011. It reminded me that boasting about anything else was pretty redundant. Paul's letters often have a similar trajectory too.

On the same theme (sort of...), I started reading the new Nick Hornby book 'Juliet, Naked' this week. One of the characters has an interesting idea (which he never carries through) of writing down on a sheet of paper the years of his life in order and a few words to describe each year. I wonder if people really did this exercise what would define their years - what would they boast about? Would our words ever contain Jesus?